When I first heard about The Feminine Mistake and read a review of it on Tiffany Washko’s blog, I was all, “Humph.” I hadn’t actually read the book yet but I had some preconceived notions about it - for one, I assumed that it was just another one of those criticisms of stay at home Moms. Just another way to undervalue a woman’s contribution to home and family and therefore society at large. So I felt all justified in my Humph-ness.
Then, I heard a speech by the author, Leslie Bennetts. She was the keynote speaker at a seminar I attended a few weeks ago hosted by MomCorps, a really cool organization that matches moms with corporations who want flexible, part time people. (Yea - love that!) I went to this seminar last year and really enjoyed it, so I went back this time.
Leslie BLEW.ME.AWAY. As a soft, matronly, blonde woman with bouncy curls and lipstick walked onto the stage and began speaking, I found myself amen-ing and nodding throughout her talk. She was certainly not the hardnose, fast talking, finger snapping feminazi I had imagined. I wanted not to like her. I wanted not to like her message. I wanted not to like her book. But. I am living proof that what she says is true.
Leslie made it very clear several times during her speech that she feels that parents should put their kid’s emotional well being first and foremost. She said more than once that she places a high value on domesticity. She claimed that she has a hot meal on the table for her family every night. She loves gardening and decorating.
So she states that her book is not about disrespecting a woman’s choice to stay home with her children. Her book and message are not a condemnation of stay at home mothers. It’s a matter of being honest and open about the risks and dangers of what she calls “Economic Dependency”. Her claim is that women are only getting half the story - the media focuses on women choosing to “opt out” of the workplace and how they’re deciding that they can’t have it all. How can a woman make an informed decision about something when she isn’t being told the long term consequences of her decision? That, my friends, IS scary. No matter how you slice it!
Leslie claims that her goal is to “…sound a warning to women who forgo income producing work in favor of a domestic role predicated on economic dependency… to document the long-term dangers of that choice … to reaffirm the immense value of income producing work that gives women financial autonomy along with innumerable other rewards.”
Far from being “Feminist Propaganda”, as some have stated, I feel that the book is an honest look at the true state of affairs when it comes to women and money. The numbers just don’t lie. Let’s look at some of them.
- Over 60% of child support cases are in arrears (holla!)
- The average age of widowhood is 55
- When a couple divorces, the woman’s (and her kid’s) standard of living drops by 30% - while the man’s goes up by 28%.
- Women are twice as likely as men to live below the poverty line in their old age
- Young women living today are likely to live into their 90’s (my grandparents are in their 90’s and still kicking) - are we prepared?
- 60% of women aged 60 and up are without a partner.
- When a woman opts out of the workforce for as little as 3 years, she experiences a 40% reduction in income over her lifetime. Ouch!
I have to admit, part of me still feels conflicted about the message of the book. But the realist in me knows that it has the ring of truth. I want to believe that a mom is valued for her contribution the family, I want to believe that most men will behave honorably, and I want to believe that it (meaning being a stay at home Mom dependent on a man for income) works out for most moms… because when it does work, it works beautifully. But my wishing and wanting doesn’t make it so. My wishing and wanting didn’t make it true for me personally.
Which got me to thinking:
This whole entire idea of a woman being totally dependent on a man for money is a relatively modern phenomenon. It’s a Victorian idea, to be precise. It’s not an ancient idea. It’s not even a Biblical one. (Ever read about the “capable wife” at Proverbs 31? This ideal woman had several cottage industries going on and even dabbled in real estate. Economic dependency - don’t think so!).
We joke about women in third world countries squatting in the rice paddies to deliver a baby then throwing it on her back and going back to work - but guess what? It’s true. Women the world over have to provide financially for their kids. In many of these areas, the men sit around chewing the fat all day with the tribal elders and squander their money on alcohol and drugs (whether it’s betel nut or coca leaves or whatever) while siring kids from multiple women. It’s been this way since the beginning of time. Even as recently as World War 2, the idea of a man providing for his wife and kids while the mom stayed home, completely dependent on him for income - and this arrangement working out for the long term interests of everyone involved (not just the man), was a fantasy. Women, even a hundred years ago, worked right alongside their husbands in family farms, cottage businesses, etc., while also raising children. And since men’s work was also “at home”, they had a greater hand in childrearing responsibilities. We have the Industrial Revolution to thank (for lack of a better word) for the way the modern workplace, with all of the problems is presents for families, operates.
Here are a few quoteable quotes from the book:
“… when media coverage focuses on the financial consequences of staying home, it almost never considers the woman as an individual whose needs may someday diverge from those of her partner…”
“… the partner who leaves the workforce will stop accruing credits toward Social Security benefits … forgo several years’ work experience… and lose pension benefits, as well as the opportunity to contribute to a 401K”
“Marriage is not an equal economic partnership. Women assume nearly all of the economic risk.”
Why am I writing this novella? Partly because the warnings Bennetts sounds in her book have turned into an object lesson in my own life, so this is obviously a topic that I feel strongly about. But also because there is something missing from this book, which I want to share now.
Pursing work at home was a concept completely left out of this book.
While Leslie herself pursued her career as a journalist and writer from home full time, and spattered through the personal stories of women she interviewed were those who were entrepreneurs or work at home moms, she never once offers this as an answer to the problems she is trying to help women avoid by exposing them in her book.
I used to be one of these moms, like others you see on the internet whose signature lines contain the words “proud Sahm”. I am proud of the sacrifices I’ve made to raise my babies, but I have also seen my fair share of moms who lived in poverty while raising their kids because they wouldn’t (couldn’t?) figure out how to earn some money. Even with all the things they were doing to be frugal, they lived in ramshakle, dirty homes and were deeply unhappy with their situations. And I can’t help but wonder, how many of these Stay at home Moms will feel proud if their marriages end and they are forced to live with family because they aren’t earning enough yet to be completely financially independent, and their ex isn’t keeping up with child support payments? Or worse, rely on government assistance?
And here’s an interesting paradox: Why is it that we as a society are so quick to condemn welfare mothers - who now are forced to work full time at $2 an hour in order to get their welfare checks while their kids are in subsidized childcare - but at the same time say that we value the stay at home mom who can “afford” not to work? Sounds like elitism and an awful double standard to me.
Oh, I know the answer to the earlier question: They won’t be. Proud, that is. It’s a terrible blow to the self esteem. To be a grown woman and unable to care for yourself financially - either because you’re taking care of your kids full time or are terrified of getting back into the workforce - if you even could do so at anything other than a low paying job - is crushing to the dignity.
And if you don’t think it will happen to you, you’re just putting your head in the sand. No matter what your religious, political, social views or whatever - the reality is that 85% of women will be completely on their own financially at some point in their lives. Whether it’s divorce, disability of the spouse, downsizing/losing jobs, early widowhood or whatever, them’s the facts, ma’am.
Motherhood is a temp job. The years of intense, hands on mothering are only a small portion of a woman’s life span. To invest totally in another person(s) makes one very vulnerable - not just economically but emotionally too.
I decided years ago that I would not be the victim of Empty Nest Syndrome. While I love each stage of my kid’s lives and enjoy those stages, I’ll also be happy and complete when they’re young adults and leaving the nest. That’s just the kind of person I am. I think it’s a terrible burden for a child to feel responsible emotionally for a parent, and afraid to jump out of the nest because Mom will fall apart. It’s a kind of emotional incest that is harmful to the child’s emotional well being. But I think some full time stay at home Moms fall into this trap. Since mothering is all they do, what’s left after the kids have moved on and want their own lives and space? Will they have anything?
About 3 years ago I wrote an article outlining the reasons why I thought moms should (not could) start an online business. It’s still one of the most popular and most downloaded articles I’ve ever written. I list many of the reasons why I believe this that Leslie also outlines in her book.
When a Mom has an online business, she’s got something “else” to hold on to. Something that uses her talents and creativity, something interesting to talk about and do that’s part of the larger outside world, something that earns her money and provides a financial hedge, and something that she can ramp up in an emergency - such as a job loss of her husband, a divorce, untimely death, whatever.
She also keeps her skills fresh - some of the same skills she used in the workplace before the children came, or even new skills she develops “on the job” that she can leverage WHEN the time comes. She also has a professional network which can also prove to be very important.
Leslie spends quite a bit of time talking in the book about how women make the false assumption that they can seamlessly ease back into the workforce when they choose to… but this is not based in reality. Future employers couldn’t care less that a Mom had a nutritious, hot dinner on the table every night, kept her home spotless and made organic, sugar free cupcakes for the bake sale. It’s irrelevant to a male employer, and to a female, may even be a point of hostility!
In my opinion, every mom should be thinking seriously about protecting herself financially. This is certainly the message I am going to impart to my daughters - just as I’m teaching my sons about the value of cooking and doing housework.
That might look a little differently for each woman, and this is where my thoughts diverge from Leslie’s - she seems to prescribe a rather cookie cutter approach that involves a woman keeping her full time career outside the home aflame even after her kids are born. What about women who feel strongly about homeschooling? What about women who have figured out a way to earn a full time living from home? I think it’s possible to avoid the pitfalls of economic dependency while also being my child’s full time caregiver.
There are plenty of ways a mom can accomplish this. I’ve known women who did it with Direct Sales, including a stay at home, homeschooling mother of 7 whose business allows her to travel the world . I’ve known hairdressers who became moms and who cut hair in their basement at home. I’ve known moms who started cleaning businesses and took their child with them to jobs. I’ve known moms who did accounting, bookkeeping and tax prep work at home, moms who worked for an employer by the hour from home or who worked out a telecommuting arrangement, and of course, moms who started an online business.
There are plenty of other discussion points from the book that I won’t even delve into, such as:
- Research findings that point to health benefits of moms who work for pay - and data that states that full time stay at home suffer from more depression and health problems including overweight and heart problems.
- Research into the benefits of egalitarian marriages - both to women and to the children that result
- Data that seems to point to there being no benefit to children of moms who stay at home
- The problems that women experience finding good child care and the unfair deal women still get in the workplace
I don’t have the time or energy to discuss or debate any of this. What I wanted to do was open a dialogue about the topic and a huge potentially ideal solution to the problem of female economic dependency- work from home. I would love to hear your thoughts.
I think that a lot of stay at home moms are very unhappy and even feel guilt about their choice, whether they’re able to verbalize or even acknowledge it… I think it feels wrong and scary as an adult to be completely dependent on another financially. It makes us feel like little more than an overgrown child who must put a hand out for any little bit of money to spend or keep for ourselves. No matter how great or generous your husband is, there is a dynamic that exists in the mind of both the dependent individual and the giver of support. And is it even fair to expect men to shoulder all the responsibility for the money in the first place? No woman expects her man to shirk parenting responsibilities just because he’s earning a living.
I realize this post may bring up a lot of emotion, and everyone who reads this will feel the way she (or he) does because of what they’ve been through in their lives personally - as is certainly the case with me. Keep that in mind as you comment. And if you haven’t read the book, don’t fall into the trap I did about drawing conclusions about it. Check it out and read it first. It’s nothing if not eye opening.
Leslie Bennetts speaks to Google - this is almost the exact same speech I heard her give, and the question and answer session at the end is great too.
